Alright so a little bit of back story: I picked up Mirrors Edge for $10 brand-spankin'-new last week. 'Great deal - I'd be retarded if I missed this' I thought to myself. Well Goddamn it if I didn't wish I was retarded.
Ok, before I launch into why this thing is a giant pile crap let me start out by going over the one (maybe two? 1.5?) things that they did right with the game. If you know anything about this game (read:thing) you can probably postulate that what I'm going to say is that I like the graphics. It actually looks pretty good and has a nice clean style. Which is to be expected when you live in the future and everything is perfect, right? Nice use of colour and I can't say that I hate the music.
Moving on to what I hate about the game: every fucking other aspect of the game. So what should I start with... Controls? The controls are crap. The left bumper basically controls your upper body and the right bumper controls the lower part. I'm not even sure I can begin to explain how shitty and imprecise that feels. You're running around at fucking 900 miles and hour you need feel like if something happens and you miss-step you will at least have a chance to save yourself. So you're running around and running on walls and shit and it seems kind of cool for about 10 seconds until you start missing jumps because you can't fucking see your feet. There is a lot of jumping from building to building in this game, shit glows red to show you were to jump or climb. I've come up with a good comparison for this game: you know those levels in FPS' where they force you to do a bit of platforming, you know how it always sucks (Metriod Prime is an exception) well this game is like if they took that concept and made a whole shitty game out of it. Because of this I found myself dying, a lot, even when I knew exactly what to do and how to do it. Maybe (read:most assuredly) I suck at this game and video games in general but not even I should die that much and in such a frustrating fashion. You die a lot and unlike real life its not your fault. Also unlike real life its probably not alcohol and sex related. But you're saying "Dude did you know you can slow down time in this game?" Yeah you can slow down time, just like you can in pretty much every game ever. They even fucked up slowing down time, you press X and time basically stops (just like when you're at work!) shit just basically stops for 5 second, you can move a little bit maybe you'll get like two steps in. Slowing down time is pointless in this game. Fucking pointless.
This game makes me sick to play - literally. After about 4 hours straight of playing I was starting to feel a little noxious. It might be a good joke to make someone who gets motion sick play it and bet on how long it takes them to throw up. Come to think of it, that could be a new underground sport. Move over cockfighting, here comes Mirrors Edge.
I forgot to mention the story. It sucks. Moving on.
Now I'm sure all one of you that are reading this are saying, "Well why don't you make a better game if you think this sucks so bad?". Fuck you, I'm a busy man thats why. But you know, all they needed to do with this game to make it better was include a third person mode. That fixes about 99% of the problems here. No more missing jumps because you can't tell where you. No more looking around in a dizzying first person mode looking for conveniently placed red tubes to climb, just swivel the camera and have a look around.
What it boils down to is that this game is just a big fuck you to everyone who plays it. It could have been good! All of the elements are there for a good game, it had a big budget. It's like they did it on purpose just because they knew it would sell a bajillion (may not be a real number or sales figure) copies. To this I say, fuck you EA. You're doing everything wrong you can possibly do wrong. Reopen Pandemic studios and have them make a third Battlefront game. Shitty PSP games don't count. Make it happen EA, you have the power.
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